The first day, God created man and woman. The first NIGHT however, everything and everyone alive submitted to the Ancient Gods of Darkness and Chaos. Then the humans marvelled and wondered: "Who is more powerful? The Gods of Light or the Gods of Darkness?", so they then proceeded to ask the Great Delphi Oracle, who gave them the following Laws, as a punishment to their proud curiosity...
Meta-Laws
"The moment you think it's x, it changes to not x" --- Confusius' Fundamental Meta-Law of Opposite Reversal
"The best way to predict reality, is to know exactly what you DON'T want" --- Moracle's Fundamental Meta-Law of Scientific Forecasting
The Universe
"The Universe was created just in order to ANNOY you and to PROVE that you are a LOSER. If you resist it, it will annoy you MORE and you will be proven a BIGGER LOSER. If you stop resisting it, it will STILL annoy you and you will STILL be proven a LOSER. Therefore the best path for you is to become immune to its annoyance, accept that you are a LOSER anyway and get the fuck out of its way" --- Purposi's Fundamental Laws for The Purpose of Life
"EVERYTHING in The Universe is ALWAYS against you" --- Sisyphus' Law of Eventual Failure
"Not only everything in The Universe is against you, but your very best friend, your self, is ALSO against you" --- Froyd's Forgotten Law of Perverse Psychology
"The less The Universe knows about YOU, the happier you'll be" --- Cipher's Law of 'Ignorance is Bliss'
"The less YOU know about The Universe, the happier you'll be" --- Einstein's Unproved Conclusion Law
"The more YOU know about The Universe, the more The Universe knows about YOU" --- Nerdius's Futility of Scientific Knowledge Law
"The more YOU know about The Universe, the more DIFFICULT will be for you to make money" --- Onassus' Universal Law of Money
"You can NEVER know everything about The Universe, but eventually The Universe finds out EVERYTHING about YOU" --- Dementius' Law of Evil Focus
"EVERYTHING is known by The Universe. Even things that CANNOT be known by The Universe" --- Nastius' Law of Evil Knowledge
"EVERYTHING is controlled by The Universe. Even things that CANNOT be controlled by The Universe" --- Perversius' Law of Evil Power
"EVERYTHING is possible for The Universe. NOTHING is possible for YOU" --- Parafrosinus' Law of Evil Potentiality
"The creatED, is ALWAYS inferior to the CreatING" --- Diatlhaspastikos' Law of 'The Obvious'
"In short, there's SOMETHING out there, and the less you know about it, the happier you'll be" --- Garabam's Law of Maximum Allowed Knowledge
"Attempting to battle that 'something' using the most powerful means, is a bit like throwing a loud fire-cracker to an elephant: The fire-cracker is harmless to it and is likely to annoy the animal with its noise" --- Futilitus' Law of Infinite Inertia
"The amount of DIFFICULTY you'll encounter in your life will be directly proportional to your IQ. Consequently," --- Satanikos' Law of Life's Problems
"If you are an IDIOT, your life will be easy. If you are SMART, your life will be full of PROBLEMS. If you are a GENIUS, your life will be IMPOSSIBLE to live. Consequently," --- First Corollary to Satanikos' Law of Life's Problems
"If you are a genius, the safest and fastest way to solve your life's problems is to commit suicide. NOW." --- Second Corollary to Satanikos' Law of Life's Problems
Science & Culture
"The level of scientific expertise of ANY being, culture or civilization is directly proportional to its evil intentions" --- Hish's Law of Evil Dominance
"When you have finally settled down and figured out the scientific/religious/metaphysical side of it, beware of The Unexpected" --- Pordus' Law of Maximum Unpredictability
"A county's breeding rate and its collective intelligence are always in an inversely proportional relation" --- Genericus' Law of Breeding Rates
"The average stupidity of any human population as a function of time, always increases exponentially" --- Gauss' Law of Average Growth of Stupidity
"It's better to die without descendants than to leave behind offspring who will continue your legacy of stupidity" --- Ackermann's Corollary to Gauss' Law
Knowledge & Power
"Book and Computer Program collections, tend to INCREASE in size" --- Booky Book's First Law of 'Learn More While You Have Time' Law
"Your desire for something is inversely proportional to your chances of acquiring it. For example: In order to receive ANY amount of money, from sales, work, etc, you have to have absolutely NO desire for money. You can also be sure that you WON'T ever get married, if you REALLY want to get married, you WON'T ever have kids if you REALLY want to have kids, etc." --- Desiderius Corollary of Earthly Desires to Moracle's Law
"There are two kinds of chess players: Those who KNOW what might happen to them if they lose and those who don't" --- Fisher's Law of Chess Champions
"Your IQ is inversely proportional to the amount of money in all your bank accounts" --- GateJob' Law of Bank Accounts
"Your life span is directly proportional to everything you know" --- Scientificus' Law of Life Spans
"No matter what you know, there's always somebody who knows MORE than you" --- Patatrackious' First Law of Knowledge Distribution
"No matter who you are, there's always somebody STRONGER than you" --- Patatrackious' Second Law of World Power Distribution
"If you think that there's also always somebody WEAKER than you, you are WRONG" --- Patatrackious' Perverse Corollary to The Second Law
"That which knows MORE than you, is always STRONGER than you, mentally AND physically" --- Pataboom's Perverse Law of Knowledge
"Your HATE for something/someone is directly proportional to its POWER over you, mentally AND physically. Consequently," --- Pataboom's First Perverse Corollary to The 'Love Thy Neighbor' Law
"The most powerful force in the universe is THAT, which is HATED the most, BY most" --- Godon's Fundamental Law of Justice and Power
"For all practical purposes, you can take the above to BE all the Murphy's Laws and meta-Laws" --- Murphy's Perverse Corollary to Godon's Fundamental Law of Justice and Power
"Your LOVE for something/someone is directly proportional to your WEAKNESS over it, mentally and physically" --- Pataboom's Second Perverse Corollary to The 'Love Thy Neighbor' Law
"When (and if) you start loving all the Murphy's Laws and meta-Laws, all your misfortunes will STILL not go away" --- Murphy's Perverse Sub-Corollary to Pataboom's Second Perverse Corollary of Justice and Power
"There's a HUGE difference between that which is resting/sleeping because it is tired and that which does so, because it DOESN'T WANT to be awake. Consequently," --- Katastrofikus' Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law
"You NEVER disturb THAT which looks as if it's resting/sleeping. You may NEVER know WHO or WHAT it/you may BE or HAVE been in another life" --- Patatrackious' Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law
"Generally speaking, nobody CARES about ANYTHING" --- Infimus' Law of Infinite Knowledge Inertia
Psychology
"The best way to predict the financial status of your future mate, is to know exactly what you DON'T want your mate's financial status to be" --- Piaget's First Unknown Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law
"The best way to predict the psychological and/or scientific profile of your future mate, is to know exactly what you DON'T want your mate to be" --- Piaget's Second Unknown Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law
"The best way to predict the psychological and/or scientific profile of your offspring, is to know exactly what you DON'T want your offspring to become. For example, if you DON'T want your kid doing drugs, you can be SURE that your kid is smoking some rogue substance or other, as you read this." --- Piaget's Third Unknown Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law
"When you are facing a difficult situation which presents you with n conflicting alternatives, always choose the alternative which satisfies Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law. It will save you time." --- Einsteinius' Law of Efficient Time Travel in Parallel Univeses
"For all practical purposes, you may assume that EVERYONE is ill-intentioned, until proven otherwise, therefore" --- Murphy's First Fundamental Law of Psychology
"Beware of people/objects/things who/which approach you, for no good reason." --- Jehovius' Law of Unspecified Motive
"You may ALSO assume that everyone else is ALWAYS right and YOU are ALWAYS wrong, no matter WHAT the situation" --- Murphy's Second Fundamental Law of Psychology
"The key to happiness is being OK with NOT being OK" --- Anderson's Law of Eventual Complacency
"Your parents CREATE you and EDUCATE you as a LOSER, so that they and everyone else can later ACCUSE you of being a loser. And succeed. This is called LEARNING." --- The Demiurge's Most Obvious Conspiracy Law
"When you finally understand your inner psychological nuances, you'll realize that the two people who are/were called 'your parents', were judiciously and diligently chosen, so they could torture you to DEATH until you either go INSANE, commit suicide or EVOLVE and LEARN. Whichever comes first." --- The Demiurge's Second Most Obvious Conspiracy Law
"Sooner or later, you'll realize and understand your EXACT identity. PRAY, that this understanding comes BEFORE your physical death. Because if it doesn't, it will be TOO LATE." --- The Grand Architect's First Fundamental Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy
"To resolve ALL your psychological problems, the necessary first step is to ACCEPT the fact that your father is The Almighty Himself, and ask for His forgiveness" --- The Grand Architect's Second Fundamental Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy
"Once you realize The Truth, above, the best path for you is to ask, wait; not ask, BEG your father with all your desire and might for forgiveness, because that's the ONLY way for you to have ANY hope for your future." --- The Grand Architect's Third Fundamental Law of the most Obvious Conspiracy
"While you are at it, BEG your mother and God, as well." --- The Grand Architect's Fourth Fundamental Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy
"Stop worrying about your past. It's over. Start worrying about your future. Cause it's going to be MUCH WORSE than your past" --- Jungus' Law of Future Psychoanalysis
Love
"You will have many relationships, but the ONLY person you TRULY fall in love with, will hate your guts. For EVER. Not only in this life, but in ALL subsequent reincarnations" --- Romanticus' First Fundamental Law of Perverse Relationships
"The people you find 'interesting' & 'cute', will dislike you. The people who make you want to puke, will fall in love with you" --- Romanticus' Second Fundamental Law of Perverse Relationships
"The ONLY night you get a chance to have sex with the woman of your dreams, you won't have an erection" --- Romanticus' First Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law
When you ask the woman of your dreams to marry you, you'll find out she's already accepted the proposition. By somebody else. Somebody she met one day before you proposed --- Romanticus' Third Fundamental Marriage Proposal Law
"There's ALWAYS somebody RICHER/MORE HANDSOME/MORE INTELLIGENT than you, who is in love with the woman of your dreams. For example: If you are a simple company employee, it will be the CEO. If you are the CEO, it will be the President of the country. If you are the President, it will be God himself. If you are God, the woman of your dreams will be a whore" --- Romanticus' Fourth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships
"If you are wondering whether your 'soulmate' exists, the answer is AFFIRMATIVE. And he/she is married and has kids with someone ELSE. Hence," --- Romanticus' First Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law
"It's better to pick a partner at RANDOM, than waste time looking for your 'soulmate'" --- Romanticus' Second Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law
"The universal age of virginity loss, approaches ZERO from above" --- Seximus' First Law of Sexual Perversity
"The number of virgins divided by the human population, approaches ZERO from above" --- Seximus' Second Law of Sexual Virginity
"The number of available partners divided by the human population as a function of your age, approaches ZERO from above" --- Seximus' Third Law of Available Sexual Partners
"The number of available GOOD partners is IDENTICALLY zero. At ANY time" --- Seximus' Fourth Law of Available Sexual Partners
"The number of ILLEGAL partners divided by the human population as a function of your age, approaches ONE" --- Seximus' Fifth Law of Available Partners
Sex
"Penis Length + Intelligence ≤ constant, therefore," --- Karapoutsaklarou's First Fundamental Law of Evolution in Biology
"You cannot have BOTH a big penis AND very high intelligence, but you CAN have BOTH a small penis and be an IDIOT, therefore" --- Putsus' First Corollary to Karapoutsaklarou's Law
"Certain idiots will always be more successful in relationships and procreate faster" --- Putsus' Second Corollary to Karapoutsaklarou's Law
"If you encounter someone who has BOTH a huge penis AND is super-intelligent, you can be SURE he is either God or the Devil" --- Putsus' Third Corollary to Karapoutsaklarou's Law
"When you gradually evolve to be more intelligent than the norm, you can be sure that you will spend the rest of your life fucking your hand if you are single" --- Putsus' Fourth Corollary to Karapoutsaklarou's Law
"If you are married, you can be sure that your wife will eventually leave you, for someone with a bigger penis" --- Putsus' Fifth Corollary to Karapoutsaklarou's Law
"When a woman claims that she loves you, the fastest way to test her intentions, is to tell her the exact length of your erect penis" --- Putsus' Sixth Corollary to Karapoutsaklarou's Law
"The TRUE reason why you never married the woman of your dreams, is because one way or another she figured out how big your penis is" --- Putsus' Seventh Corollary to Karapoutsaklarou's Law
"If you are married and your erect penis' length is at least 25 inches, your wife will eventually find her way into something bigger, whether it be a man, a dog, a horse or an elephant" --- Putsus' Eighth Corollary to Karapoutsaklarou's Law
"If your wife cannot find her way to any of the above, she will suddenly develop a strange fascination with the whales of the local aquarium" --- Putsus' Ninth Corollary to Karapoutsaklarou's Law
"The fastest way to find a missing woman on this planet is to call the closest zoo or aquarium, before you call the police" --- Blinky's Biggest is Best Law
"It is precisely BECAUSE of all the laws in this section that 'Gauss' Law of Average Growth of Stupidity' holds, in section 'Knowledge & Power" --- Stupendous' Explanation for Gauss' Law of Average Growth of Stupidity
Home, Work & Marriage
"People with silly and useless degrees always get better job positions than scientists. A person with a degree in theology or jewelry, for example, will always get a better paying job than someone with a Ph.D. in Particle Physics" --- Nonsensus' Law of Better Job Placement
"Good jobs always require a degree one level higher than what you have. For example, if you have only a high school diploma, you'll need to have a B.S. If you have a B.S. you'll need an M.S. or an M.B.A. If you have a master's degree, you'll need a Ph.D. If you have a Ph.D. you'll need a Nobel Prize or the Fields Metal. If you are a Nobel Laureate or have won the Fields Metal, you'll need to have a degree which certifies that you are God Himself, in which case nobody will believe you, anyway" --- Nash' Law of Perpetual Learning
"When you are finally employed, your employer can ALWAYS find an excuse to underpay you. For example: If you have the experience only, you will be underpaid because you don't have a degree. If you have a degree only you will be underpaid because you lack experience. If you have a Ph.D., you will be underpaid because you are "over-qualified" and there's always someone else with a high school diploma who can do the same work for less. If you only have a high school diploma, you will be underpaid because you are "under-qualified" and there's already a Nobel Laureate or Fields Prize winner who does this kind of work. NEVER MIND how much this person is paid" --- CEO's Law of Futility of Work Compensation
"If you are a man, your job market worth is equal exactly to the beauty of your wife. If you are woman, your worth is equal exactly to the amount of money your husband makes" --- Geneticus' Law of Worth of Mates
"You cannot find work if you don't have a mate" --- Unfortunatus' First Law of Employment
"You cannot find a mate if you are not working" --- Unfortunatus' Second Law of Employment
"The distance between your home and work locations will be directly proportional to how much you desire to be with your mate" --- Cupidus' First Law of Work Modus Operandi
"The desire other people will have to be with YOUR mate, will be directly proportional to how much YOU desire to be with your mate" --- Cupidus' Second Law of Work Modus Operandi
"The probability of your mate FORNICATING with someone, is directly proportional to the product of your desire to be with your mate and the distance between your home and work locations" --- Balamuti's First Corollary to Cupidus' Laws
"The probability of you CATCHING your mate in the act of fornicating with someone, is inversely proportional to the product of your desire to be with your mate and the distance between your home and work locations" --- Balamuti's Second Corollary to Cupidus' Laws
"The ONLY way to be sure that your mate is not fornicating with someone, is for BOTH of you to ALWAYS be at home. In which case, you won't be able to make a living, unless you are ALREADY rich" --- Balamuti's Third Corollary to Cupidus' Laws
Web Pages
"Web pages are NEVER perfect" --- Eternius' Fundamental Law of Futility of Web Design
"The more you work on perfecting your web pages, the less visitors you'll have" --- Frustratius' Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental Meta-Law
"If you install a statistics tracker on your web pages, the number of your visitors will immediately start to decline" --- Statisticus' Law of Page Statistics
"When, after decades of work, your web pages have been finally perfected, nobody will visit them and nobody will be interested in them, no matter what the content" --- Eternius' Corollary to Eternius' Law of Futility of Web Page Design
"You can practically count on the fact that ANYONE's web pages will contain some stolen material" --- Kleftroni's Law of Web Page Design
"No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, you can always count on the existence of another silly web page which has a higher Page Rank than yours" --- Google's Fundamental Law of Page Rank
"No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, somebody will not like it" --- The Web's First Usefulness Law
"No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, somebody will disagree with it" --- The Web's Second Usefulness Law
"No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, somebody will send you an obnoxious email about it, calling you 'an idiot'" --- The Web's Third Usefulness Law
"The purpose of ANY web page is to either generate income or to be eventually shut down. Therefore," --- Purposi's Law of Ultimate Web Page Purpose
"If your web page does NOT generate income, now is the best time to shut it down" --- Undesirius' Best Web Page Strategy Corollary to the Purposi's Law of Ultimate Web Page Purpose
"The intellectual level of the people who visit your web pages will be inversely proportional to the quality of its contents. Hence," --- Kepler's Fundamental Modified Gravity Law of Web Page Attractors
"If your web page's content is science of the highest level, it will be visited mostly by morons, idiots and people who look for free porno" --- Kepler's First Corollary to the Fundamental Law of Web Page Attractors
"If your web page's content is bullshit of the highest level, it will be visited mostly by Nobel Prize winners and internationally famous scientists" --- Kepler's Second Corollary to the Fundamental Law of Web Page Attractors
"If your web page's content is both bullshit and science, it will be visited mostly by spiders and crawlers" --- Kepler's Third Corollary to the Fundamental Law of Web Page Attractors
Mathematics, Physics, Professors & Students
"The power of attraction you exert on ANY person, object or event, is directly proportional to the SQUARE of your dislike for it" --- Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law
"You can practically FORCE someone or something to come to you or cause an event manifestation, if you dislike him/her/it SUFFICIENTLY" --- First Teleportation Corollary to Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law
"You can practically FORCE someone or something to go away or avoid an event manifestation, if you desire him/her/it SUFFICIENTLY" --- Second Teleportation Corollary to Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law
"There's ALWAYS a mistake, somewhere" --- Caratheodory's First Forgotten Law of Scientific Expertise
"The chances of you making that mistake in the presence of experts are within epsilon of certainty" --- Caratheodory's Second Forgotten Law of Scientific Expertise
"Other people have the right to complain about YOUR mistakes, but you don't have the right to complain about THEIRS" --- Caratheodory's Third Forgotten Law of Scientific Expertise
"If you discover a new theory or mathematical model x, The Universe will go to work TO CREATE a model for NOT x" --- Goedel's First Law of Persistence of Falsifiability
"If you eliminate all models for not x in advance, The Universe will create a SUB-universe where NOT x will be true BY DEFINITION. So if you think that 1+1=2 for example, you can be SURE that a SUB-universe exists, where 1+1=2 is false" --- Goedel's Second Law of Persistence of Falsifiability
"When you argue with other scientists and claim x, your opponents will always claim NOT x. If you decide to agree with your opponents and claim NOT x, your opponents will CHANGE their claim to x" --- Goedel's Third Law of Persistence of Falsifiability
"If you THINK you've got a mathematical proof x right and you are ready to post it to Usenet, the MOMENT you post it you will find that NOT x is certainly a possibility. Before you even have a chance to correct your mistake, someone will correct it making you look like a fool. If you post a retraction and say 'I agree to the correction of NOT x', then someone will PROVE that x was correct to begin with, and you will look like a double fool" --- Poincare's Laws of The Perversity of Usenet
"A referee will accept your article for publication if and only if he is convinced that your article duplicates some already known result" --- Duplo's Certainty of Duplication Law
"The number of journals you must submit your paper to before it is accepted, approaches infinity" --- Duplo's Futility of Publication Law
"WHATEVER results your new paper claims, they have ALREADY been published by somebody else. 100 years ago" --- Ecclesiastes' 'There's Nothing New Under The Sun' Law
"To be HIRED by a school, you need to prove you have published at LEAST 100 papers. To be given TENURE, you need to prove that you have STOPPED publishing and will NEVER AGAIN publish any new papers" --- Journali's Usefulness of Publications Law
"The likelihood of a school giving you a teaching position varies proportionally to its distance from your graduation location" --- Galois' Law of Effective Teaching Distance
"The likelihood of a school giving you a teaching position becomes maximal at Earth's ANTIPODAL point of your graduation location" --- Corollary to Galois' Law of Effective Teaching Distance
"The most efficient computer algorithm for your CS dissertation problem will be of order O(exp(L)(n)), where f(k)(x) denotes iterated composition of f, L is the character length of your dissertation and n is the size of your data" --- Babbage's Perverse Algorithm Efficiency Law
"Your FIRST undergraduate computer assignment will be to write a program that replicates. In Pascal" --- Babbage's First Law of Perverse CS Assignments
"Your SECOND undergraduate computer assignment will be to write a YACC. In ASSEMBLY" --- Babbage's Second Law of Perverse CS Assignments
"Your THIRD undergraduate computer assignment will be to calculate A(100,100,100), where A is the three-argument Ackermann function" --- Babbage's Third Law of Perverse CS Assignments
"Your FOURTH undergraduate computer assignment will be to calculate B(B(100)), where B is the Busy-Beaver function" --- Babbage's Fourth Law of Perverse CS Assignments
"Your FIRST undergraduate mathematics assignment will be to find a complex analytic f, with f(f(f(x)))=exp(x)" --- Archimodus' First Law of Perverse Math Assignments
"Your SECOND undergraduate mathematics assignment will be to find a complex analytic extension to tetration" --- Archimodus' Second Law of Perverse Math Assignments
"If you manage to find it, it will be published with your professor's name on it" --- Archimodus' Third Law of Perverse Math Assignments
"If you are BOTH a CS & mathematics major, your FIRST undergraduate computer assignment will be to implement infinite CARDINAL and ORDINAL arithmetic. In ASSEMBLY" --- Cantor's Law of Perverse Math & CS Assignments
"The time required for you as a graduate student to understand the difference between a COVARIANT and a CONTRAVARIANT tensor will ALWAYS be at least 1 semester plus 1 day, with time counting from the first day of class" --- Einstein's Universal Law of 'Everyone Flunks Tensor Analysis'
"The sum of a TA's fluency in English and his fluency on the subject matter equals 1" --- Harvard's 'Most TA's Are Useless' Law
"A random nxn matrix will be non-invertible" --- Caley's First Law of Perversity of Linear Algebra
"One of the eigenvalues of the matrix which models the main problem in your dissertation, will ALWAYS be 0. No matter WHAT the accuracy of calculations" --- Caley's Second Law of Perversity of Linear Algebra
"The SAFEST and QUICKEST way to pass your prelims, is to sell your soul to the Devil" --- Prelimus's 'Most Prelims Fail' Law
"To ADDITIONALLY pass your thesis defense, you have to sell your soul a SECOND time, which virtually guarantees that you will reincarnate again at least TWICE" --- Doctoroid's 'Most Ph.D.s Flunk' Law
"On your thesis defense, there will be at least ONE professor who will not understand a THING from what you are saying and will waste the committee's time asking all sorts of irrelevant questions" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' First Law
"This professor will KEEP asking you irrelevant questions, until either all THE OTHER professors (including your advisor) and you become SUFFICIENTLY CONFUSED or a major thinking flaw is found which will impede the committee's evaluation" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' Second Law
"Your advisor will have a FIST-FIGHT with one of the referees" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' Third Law
"After the impediment, you'll be asked to change advisor and re-do your thesis from scratch" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' Fourth Law
"One of your undergraduate students will prove that important result which you have been researching for 25 years" --- Euler's First Unexpected Genius Law
"Your undergraduate students will be mini-Ramanujans" --- Euler's Second Unexpected Genius Law
"Your GRADUATE students will include reincarnations of Euclid, Caratheodory, Gauss, Fermat, Laplace, and Einstein" --- Euler's Generalized Law of Hidden Geniuses
"The ONLY student who will ask you to be his advisor will be a reincarnation of Archimedes" --- Riemann's Advisor's Modus Operandi Law
"Your mate will get his/her Ph.D. one year SOONER than you" --- Maria's 'Mates Are Always Smarter' Law
"You will be assigned to lecture on subjects you know nothing and don't care about" --- Randomus' First Teaching Assignments Law
"When you lecture on those subjects, at least ONE student will find an important mistake in front of the whole class" --- Corollary to Randomus' First Teaching Assignments Law
"The number of graduate students interested in taking YOUR specialty graduate course divided by the total number of graduate students in the mathematics department approaches 0 from above" --- Uninteresti's Fundamental Teaching Law
"The distance to the location of the next conference or seminar you MUST attend, will be directly proportional to your DESIRE to attend" --- Seminarius' First Fundamental Law
"If you are the leading expert on the subject of that conference, the seminar will take place at the nearest STAR SYSTEM" --- Corollary to Seminarius' First Fundamental Law
"Important papers will be rejected randomly by the automated electronic submission process" --- Publicious' Efficiency of Automated Manuscript Submission Law
"The probability of a paper being accepted varies as exp(-x), where x is the referee's expertise on the subject, varying in [0,infinity)" --- Publicious' Probability of Publication Law
"Your numerical analysis students will be assigned to work on a computer with machine epsilon equal to 1" --- Cray's Fundamental Law of Numerical Analysis
"Your university's mainframe O.S. can be understood ONLY by CS graduate students" --- Cray's Fundamental Law of Computer Labs
"The probability of ANY graduate student or professor using a rogue substance (caffeine, nicotine, cannabis, etc) approaches 1" --- Corollary to Rennyi's Law 'A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems'
"The probabilities of you finding a TOE (Theory of Everything) and you being a crank are exactly equal" --- Uranium's Fundamental Law of Crankiness
"The Universe will forever remain unexplained by serious scientists" --- Corollary to Uranium's Fundamental Law of Crankiness
"Your FIRST undergraduate physics assignment will be to understand nuclear fission" --- Curie's First Law of Physics Education
"Your SECOND undergraduate physics assignment will be to understand nuclear fusion" --- Curie's Second Law of Physics Education
"Your THIRD undergraduate physics assignment will be to design a nuclear weapon" --- Curie's Third Law of Physics Education
"Your FOURTH undergraduate physics assignment will be to TEST it. Non-destructively" --- Curie's Fourth Law of Physics Education
"After you design and test it, you will be arrested and jailed by the U.S. government for possessing a WMD" --- Corollary to Curie's Laws
"Sub-atomic particle trajectories will ALWAYS be random. No matter what the process" --- Rontgen's Fundamental Law of Particle Physics
"In most physics and chemistry experiments, energy will be given off as E=m*02" --- Einstein's Unknown Energy-Mass Relation Law
"Your advisor will ask you to design and build a fusion reactor" --- Fermi's Basic Graduate Student Requirement Law
"The speed of light in the universe varies from 0 to c, CONTINUOUSLY and UNPREDICTABLY" --- Einstein's Forgotten Relativity Law
"For your Ph.D. thesis, you will be required to determine the speed of light using a tape measure and a grandfather's clock" --- Michelson's Perverse Measurement Law
"There will be at least ONE professor who as your advisor will want you to design and test a teleportation machine" --- Goldbloom's First Law
"When you finally manage to build it, after you test it, you will discover that not a fly, but a COCKROACH has gotten in and travelled in time with you" --- Kafka's Corollary to Goldbloom's Law
"The only advisor available in the physics department at any time, is the professor who wants to solve Schrodinger's equation analytically for the atoms of ALL elements and adjust the solution to work even for the yet UNDISCOVERED elements" --- Mendeleev's 'Analytical Physics Is Fun' Law
"Your first undergraduate physics lab assignment will be to measure qualitatively and quantitatively how quickly 1 kg of Hg evaporates in an enclosed environment" --- The Physics Lab 'Student-Weeding-Process' Law
"As a graduate physics student, you will be asked to visually record the spectrum of any quasar you choose in the Hydra super-cluster using a pair of binoculars and a small plastic prism" --- Galileo's Requirement Law
"To be hired as a physics professor, you must have published at least ONE mathematical model of the Big Bang" --- Pauli's First Professor-Weeding Law
"To be given tenure, you are expected to FIRST complete Einstein's unfinished Unified Field Theory" --- Pauli's Second Professor-Weeding Law
"Your last published results on particle acceleration will cause a catastrophic failure at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory, as a result of which you will not only be demoted to Lecturer, but you will also be required to pay for damages at Fermi" --- Coulomb's Eventual Failure of Advanced Research
"The number of times you will be required to change apartments in order to find a respectable job after the acquisition of your Ph.D., will be directly proportional to the product of the number of books you own and their weight" --- Papardus' Perpetual Movement Law
"To be on schedule teaching at school and working at the local Particle Accelerator as a research scientist, you will need to use a teletransporter" --- LaForge's Law of Speed of Transportation
"As a graduate student, your advisor will ask you to determine the mass of a Higgs boson using a laboratory balance, by performing AT MOST 10 measurements" --- Graviton's Accuracy of Scientific Measurements Law
Miscellaneous
"The efficiency of transportation is optimal, only when you DON'T use it" --- Planare's Law of Efficiency of Transportation
"Common sense says that you cannot please all the people, all the time. Murphy's Law says that you cannot please ANYONE, ANY time" --- Commonsensus' Law of Efficiency of Creative Work
"SUCCESS: An ever decreasing sequence of FAILURES, with limit ZERO" --- Pamfilius' Definition of SUCCESS in this world
"There is a solution to every problem, but there is an INFINITY of problems, so stop wasting time and start working NOW" --- Problemus' Law of World's Problems
"Assume everything. Expect NOTHING." --- Voidus' Law of Safe Assumptions
"MIRACLE: The strange and unlikely phenomenon when The Universe agrees with you and momentarily and temporarily suspends Murphy's Law" --- Miraculus' Law of Saintly/Godly intervention
Religion
"Either God doesn't exist or he is malevolent: Proof: If God doesn't exist, we are done. If he exists, he is hiding. If he is hiding, he must be malevolent and evil, for otherwise there would be no reason for him to hide. Therefore, if God exists, he is Absolute Evil" --- Joe-anus' Fundamental Law for the Existence of the Devil
"Saying that you believe in God is declaring publicly that you know your limits" --- Protectorius' First Law of Protection
"Saying that you DON'T believe in God is declaring publicly that you are an idiot" --- Protectorius' Second Law of UNprotection
"The question is not whether God exists or not. The answer to that is obvious. The question is whether he has a sense of HUMOR or not" --- Mysterious' Ultimate Question of Life
"IF God exists, it MAY be THAT, which has the power to make your worst nightmares on a PERSONAL LEVEL come true, IF it wants to. FOR EVER. So be VERY careful about WHAT you say about it. On the other hand," --- Satanicus' First Law of Absolute Evil
"IF God DOESN'T exist, WHO if anyone and if ever, will save us from what lurks on 'The OTHER Side'?" --- Satanicus' Second Law of Absolute Evil
"You have your own personal nightmares to avoid, so why bother other people? Things are hard enough for you, ALREADY" --- Kolastirion's Corollary of Correct Application of Religion
"Blessed are those who expect the worst, for they shall not be disappointed" --- Jesus' Sermon of the Mount First Forgotten Law
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they cannot fully fathom the predicament they have gotten themselves into" --- Jesus' Sermon of the Mount Second Forgotten Law
"If you do good, expect EVIL to come back to you three-fold. If you do evil, expect evil to come back to you ONE-HUNDRED-FOLD" --- Jesus' Sermon of the Mount Third Forgotten Law
"Jesus was right when he said: 'Love thy neighbor'. Cause it's the hardest thing to do, particularly when you realize that EVERYONE HATES you" --- Explanation of the Jesus Law
"Generally speaking, nobody CARES about ANYONE" --- Supremus' Law of Infinite Love Inertia
"The ideal objective of any intelligent human should NOT be to secure survival on Earth, rather to GET THE FUCK OUT and AWAY from this planet, as soon as possible. Preferably as far AWAY from this planet as possible and for AS LONG as possible" --- The Secret Teachings of Buddha Charismi Law
Reincarnation & Karma
"If you could realize the full extent of your fuck-up responsible for you being born on this planet, you'd immediately commit suicide. In which case, you'd AGAIN be kicked down here, for that very reason" --- Buddha's First Fundamental Law of Reincarnation & Karma
"If you cannot stand The Truth, you'll have descendants. If you CAN stand The Truth, you'll be made immortal. In either case, your torment will be UNENDING. In the latter case from knowing EVERYTHING, in the former from NEVER knowing ANYTHING" --- Buddha's Second Fundamental Law of Reincarnation & Karma
Philosophy & Metaphysics
"For every true fact x, at least one person doesn't know anything about it and doesn't WANT to know anything about it" --- Occult's First Law of Forbidden Knowledge
"For every false fact y, at least one person knows something about it and is willing to teach you for a fee" --- Occult's Second Law of Forbidden Knowledge
"Don't be afraid of death. It can't POSSIBLY be worse than the rest of your life" --- Priest's First Law About The Afterlife
"On the other hand, BE afraid of death. Murphy's Law says it WILL be worse than the rest of your life" --- Priest's Second Law About The Afterlife
