The first day, God created man and woman. The first NIGHT however, everything and everyone alive submitted to the Ancient Gods of Darkness and ×Üïò. Then the humans marvelled and wondered: "Who is more powerful? The Gods of Light or the Gods of Darkness?", so they then proceeded to ask the Great Delphi Oracle, who gave them the following Laws, as a punishment to their proud curiosity.
Meta-Laws
"The moment you think it's x, it changes to not x" --- Confusius' Fundamental Meta-Law of Opposite Reversal.
"The best way to predict reality, is to know exactly what you DON'T want" --- Moracle's Fundamental Meta-Law of Scientific Forecasting.
"Murphy's Law gets suspended ONLY when you start believing in Jesus" --- Miraculas' Fundamental Meta-Law of Human Experience.
The Universe
"The Universe was created just in order to ANNOY you and to PROVE that you are a LOSER. If you resist it, it will annoy you MORE and you will be proven a BIGGER LOSER. If you stop resisting it, it will STILL annoy you and you will STILL be proven a LOSER. Therefore the best path for you is to become immune to its annoyance, accept that you are a LOSER anyway and get the fuck out of its way" --- Purposi's Fundamental Laws for The Purpose of Life.
"EVERYTHING in The Universe is ALWAYS against you" --- Sisyphus' Law of Eventual Failure.
"Not only everything in The Universe is against you, but your very best friend, your self, is ALSO against you" --- Froyd's Forgotten Law of Perverse Psychology.
"The less The Universe knows about YOU, the happier you'll be" --- Cipher's Law of 'Ignorance is Bliss'.
"The less YOU know about The Universe, the happier you'll be" --- Einstein's Unproved Conclusion Law.
"The more YOU know about The Universe, the more The Universe knows about YOU" --- Nerdius's Futility of Scientific Knowledge Law.
"The more YOU know about The Universe, the more DIFFICULT will be for you to make money" --- Onassus' Universal Law of Money.
"You can NEVER know everything about The Universe, but eventually The Universe finds out EVERYTHING about YOU" --- Dementius' Law of Evil Focus.
"EVERYTHING is known by The Universe. Even things that CANNOT be known by The Universe" --- Nastius' Law of Evil Knowledge.
"EVERYTHING is controlled by The Universe. Even things that CANNOT be controlled by The Universe" --- Perversius' Law of Evil Power.
"EVERYTHING is possible for The Universe. NOTHING is possible for YOU" --- Parafrosinus' Law of Evil Potentiality.
"Human Experience: The years it takes you to roughly understand how The Universe works. And when you do, you WON'T like it. Or, differently put," --- Trellus' Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"Human Experience: The time it takes you to understand that The Universe is HOSTILE. To YOU, PERSONALLY" --- Trellus' Alternate Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"The Universe is a wonderful place and full of surprises. Full of BAD surprises" --- Parafrosinus' Law of Interesting Surprises.
"Occam's Razor: The mistaken axiom that amongst all possible explanations for a phenomenon, the simplest one is the correct one. In reality, the MOST COMPLEX explanation is ALWAYS the correct one" --- Occamus' Law of The Unexpected.
"The creatED, is ALWAYS inferior to the CreatING" --- Diatlhaspastikos' Law of 'The Obvious'.
"The intelligent THINKS. The SUPER-intelligent uses and consumes entire intelligences" --- Bourdous' Law of Early Intelligence.
"The Universe is SUPER-INTELLIGENT" --- Bourdous' Law of Late Intelligence.
"It is best that you don't know what's out there, but unfortunately and eventually, everything is understandable" --- The author's Law of Supreme Intelligence.
"Contrary to popular belief, if there's ever going to be any judgement, what will judge you will not be your conscience, rather, your Creator and you KNOW who your Creator is, because He's ultimately related to that 'creatED'/CreatING', thing, therefore" --- Paterius' First Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
"CAUTION is suggested!! There may be someone or something out there, who/which may be unimaginably STRONGER and more EVIL than you" --- Paterius' Second Law of Maximum Allowed Knowledge.
"THAT, which has the right to judge you, i.e., your Creator, has ALREADY created AND installed in YOUR Universe, your tormentor: someone who's STRONGER, more INTELLIGENT and MORE EVIL than you. This someone is hunting you down and will ALWAYS be hunting you down, until you learn how to BEAT him/her" --- Paterius' Third Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
"Learning how to beat your tormentor, takes literally a LIFETIME" --- Paterius' Fourth Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
"It isn't fair, is it? It's PRECISELY because it isn't fair, that it is so. Your only solace to knowing that is that the same holds for your tormentor. He/she has a tormentor too, because The Universe has ALREADY created AND installed in EVERYONE's Universe their corresponding tormentor" --- Paterius' Fifth Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
"When, after years and years of struggle, you finally learn to beat your tormentor, another, STRONGER and more EVIL tormentor than the first one will be installed for you" --- Paterius' Sixth Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
"That way, nobody gets any funny ideas about who's REALLY in control" --- Paterius' Seventh and Ultimate Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
"In short, there's SOMETHING out there, and the less you know about it, the happier you'll be" --- Garabam's Law of Maximum Allowed Knowledge.
"Attempting to battle that 'something' using the most powerful means, is a bit like throwing a loud fire-cracker to an elephant: The fire-cracker is harmless to it and is likely to annoy the animal with its noise" --- Futilitus' Law of Infinite Inertia.
"The amount of DIFFICULTY you'll encounter in your life will be directly proportional to your IQ. Consequently," --- Satanikos' Law of Life's Problems.
"If you are an IDIOT, your life will be easy. If you are SMART, your life will be full of PROBLEMS. If you are a GENIUS, your life will be IMPOSSIBLE to live. Consequently," --- First Corollary to Satanikos' Law of Life's Problems.
"If you are a genius, the safest and fastest way to solve your life's problems is to commit suicide. Or endeavor to follow Miraculas' Law. NOW" --- Second Corollary to Satanikos' Law of Life's Problems.
Science & Culture
"The level of scientific expertise of ANY being, culture or civilization is directly proportional to its evil intentions" --- Hish's Law of Evil Dominance.
"When you have finally settled down and figured out the scientific/religious/metaphysical side of it, beware of The Unexpected" --- Pordus' Law of Maximum Unpredictability.
"A county's breeding rate and its collective intelligence are always in an inversely proportional relation" --- Genericus' Law of Breeding Rates.
"The average stupidity of any human population as a function of time, always increases exponentially" --- Gauss' Law of Average Growth of Stupidity.
"It's better to die without descendants than to leave behind offspring who will continue your legacy of stupidity" --- Ackermann's Corollary to Gauss' Law.
"'Scientist' (noun. plural. Scientists): Someone who always applies reason and logic and follows Occam's Razor. Hence, someone who is always wrong" --- Occamus' Law of Science.
Knowledge & Power
"Book and Computer Program collections, tend to INCREASE in size" --- Booky Book's First Law of 'Learn More While You Have Time' Law.
"Read everything. Believe NOTHING" --- Booky Book's Second Law of 'Learn More While You Have Time' Law.
"Your desire for something is inversely proportional to your chances of acquiring it. For example: In order to receive ANY amount of money, from sales, work, etc, you have to have absolutely NO desire for money. You can also be sure that you WON'T ever get married, if you REALLY want to get married, you WON'T ever have kids if you REALLY want to have kids, etc." --- Desiderius Corollary of Earthly Desires to Moracle's Law.
"There are two kinds of chess players: Those who KNOW what might happen to them if they lose and those who don't" --- Fisher's Law of Chess Champions.
"Your IQ is inversely proportional to the amount of money in all your bank accounts" --- GateJob' Law of Bank Accounts.
"Your life span is directly proportional to everything you know" --- Scientificus' Law of Life Spans.
"No matter what you know, there's always somebody who knows MORE than you" --- Patatrackious' First Law of Knowledge Distribution.
"No matter who you are, there's always somebody STRONGER than you" --- Patatrackious' Second Law of World Power Distribution.
"If you think that there's also always somebody WEAKER than you, you are WRONG" --- Patatrackious' Perverse Corollary to The Second Law.
"That which knows MORE than you, is always STRONGER than you, mentally AND physically" --- Pataboom's Perverse Law of Knowledge.
"Your HATE for something/someone is directly proportional to its POWER over you, mentally AND physically. Consequently," --- Pataboom's First Perverse Corollary to The 'Love Thy Neighbor' Law.
"The most powerful force in the universe is THAT, which is HATED the most, BY most" --- Godon's Fundamental Law of Justice and Power.
"For all practical purposes, you can take the above to BE all the Murphy's Laws and meta-Laws" --- Murphy's Perverse Corollary to Godon's Fundamental Law of Justice and Power.
"Your LOVE for something/someone is directly proportional to your WEAKNESS over it, mentally and physically" --- Pataboom's Second Perverse Corollary to The 'Love Thy Neighbor' Law.
"When (and if) you start loving all the Murphy's Laws and meta-Laws, all your misfortunes will STILL not go away" --- Murphy's Perverse Sub-Corollary to Pataboom's Second Perverse Corollary of Justice and Power.
"There's a HUGE difference between that which is resting/sleeping because it is tired and that which does so, because it DOESN'T WANT to be awake. Consequently," --- Katastrofikus' Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"You NEVER disturb THAT which looks as if it's resting/sleeping. You may NEVER know WHO or WHAT it/you may BE or HAVE been in another life" --- Patatrackious' Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"Generally speaking, nobody CARES about ANYTHING, except MONEY" --- Infimus' Law of Infinite Knowledge Inertia.
Psychology
"The best way to predict the financial status of your future mate, is to know exactly what you DON'T want your mate's financial status to be" --- Piaget's First Unknown Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"The best way to predict the psychological and/or scientific profile of your future mate, is to know exactly what you DON'T want your mate to be" --- Piaget's Second Unknown Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"The best way to predict the psychological and/or scientific profile of your offspring, is to know exactly what you DON'T want your offspring to become. For example, if you DON'T want your kid doing drugs, you can be SURE that your kid is smoking some rogue substance or other, as you read this" --- Piaget's Third Unknown Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"When you are facing a difficult situation which presents you with n conflicting alternatives, always choose the alternative which satisfies Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law. It will save you time. Or, alternatively," --- Einsteinius' First Law of Efficient Time Travel in Parallel Universes.
"When you are facing a situation which presents you with n conflicting alternatives, always choose the alternative which causes the MOST DAMAGE, because that's the alternative that will materialize anyway" --- Einsteinius' Second Law of Efficient Time Travel in Parallel Universes.
"For all practical purposes, you may assume that EVERYONE is ill-intentioned, until proven otherwise, therefore" --- Murphy's First Fundamental Law of Psychology.
"Beware of people/objects/things who/which approach you, for no good reason" --- Jehovius' Law of Unspecified Motive.
"You may ALSO assume that everyone else is ALWAYS right and YOU are ALWAYS wrong, no matter WHAT the situation" --- Murphy's Second Fundamental Law of Psychology.
"The key to happiness is being OK with NOT being OK" --- Anderson's Law of Eventual Complacency.
"Your parents CREATE you and EDUCATE you as a LOSER, so that they and everyone else can later ACCUSE you of being a loser. And succeed. This is called LEARNING" --- The Demiurge's Most Obvious Conspiracy Law.
"When you finally understand your inner psychological nuances, you'll realize that the two people who are/were called 'your parents', were judiciously and diligently chosen, so they could torture you to DEATH until you either go INSANE, commit suicide or EVOLVE and LEARN. Whichever comes first" --- The Demiurge's Second Most Obvious Conspiracy Law.
"Sooner or later, you'll realize and understand your EXACT identity. PRAY, that this understanding comes BEFORE your physical death. Because if it doesn't, it will be TOO LATE" --- The Grand Architect's First Fundamental Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
"To resolve ALL your psychological problems, the necessary first step is to ACCEPT the fact that your father is The Devil Himself" --- The Grand Architect's Second Fundamental Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
"Once you realize The Truth, above, the best path for you is to CURSE your father to ETERNAL DAMNATION, because that's the ONLY way to make your life change for the better" --- The Grand Architect's Third Fundamental Law of the most Obvious Conspiracy.
"While you are at it, curse God, as well" --- The Grand Architect's Fourth Fundamental Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
"Once you understand how The Universe works, you won't need a psychoanalyst anymore. All your major psychological problems will vanish in a jiffy" --- Jungus' First Law of Effective Psychoanalysis.
"The true reason why you are fucked-up, is because your parents were fucked-up, before you" --- Jungus' Second Law of Effective Psychoanalysis.
"The true reason why your KIDS are going to be fucked-up, is because YOU are fucked-up" --- Jungus' Third Law of Effective Psychoanalysis.
"Stop worrying about your past. It's over. Start worrying about your future. Cause it's going to be MUCH WORSE than your past" --- Moracle's Corollary to Froyd's Future Psychoanalysis.
Love
"You will have many relationships, but the ONLY person you TRULY fall in love with, will hate your guts. For EVER. Not only in this life, but in ALL subsequent reincarnations" --- Romanticus' First Fundamental Law of Perverse Relationships.
"The people you find 'interesting' & 'cute', will dislike you. The people who make you want to puke, will fall in love with you" --- Romanticus' Second Fundamental Law of Perverse Relationships.
"The ONLY night you get a chance to have sex with the woman of your dreams, you won't have an erection" --- Romanticus' First Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
When you ask the woman of your dreams to marry you on that important date, you'll find out that either she's planning to leave for a very long trip, far, far away, or she's already accepted the proposition. Or both. By somebody else. Somebody she met one day before you proposed --- Romanticus' Third Fundamental Marriage Proposal Law.
"There's ALWAYS somebody RICHER/MORE HANDSOME/MORE INTELLIGENT than you, who is in love with the woman of your dreams. For example: If you are a simple company employee, it will be the CEO. If you are the CEO, it will be the President of the country. If you are the President, it will be God himself. If you are God, the woman of your dreams will be a whore" --- Romanticus' Fourth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
"In order to deserve a woman, you have to be able to beat the shit out of ANY prospective lover or challenger. And you never know WHO such a challenger may turn out to be" --- Romanticus' Fifth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
"The woman of your dreams, always has a secret husband: The DEVIL" --- Romanticus' Sixth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
"In order to deserve the woman of your dreams, you have to be sufficiently STRONG, SUPER-intelligent and EVIL enough as to be able to beat even the Devil himself, hence" --- Romanticus' Seventh Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
"Unless you KNOW you are the Devil himself, it is always BEST to FORGET about the woman of your dreams and continue the work, because any result of you trying to approach her, will always satisfy Moracle's meta-LAW, therefore" --- Romanticus' Eighth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
"NOBODY can have the woman of their dreams, because this woman is the DEVIL's. And the Devil can do that: He can be husband to many women simultaneously if he wants to. You CAN however, have any woman you want EXCEPT that one, if you ask politely. WHO? That, the laws do not say" --- Romanticus' Tenth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
"If you are wondering whether your 'soulmate' exists, the answer is AFFIRMATIVE. And he/she is married and has kids with someone ELSE. Hence," --- Romanticus' First Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"It's better to pick a partner at RANDOM, than waste time looking for your 'soulmate'" --- Romanticus' Second Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"The universal age of virginity loss, approaches ZERO from above" --- Seximus' First Law of Sexual Perversity.
"The number of virgins divided by the human population, approaches ZERO from above" --- Seximus' Second Law of Sexual Virginity.
"The number of available partners divided by the human population as a function of your age, approaches ZERO from above" --- Seximus' Third Law of Available Sexual Partners.
"The number of available GOOD partners is IDENTICALLY zero. At ANY time" --- Seximus' Fourth Law of Available Sexual Partners.
"The number of ILLEGAL partners divided by the human population as a function of your age, approaches ONE" --- Seximus' Fifth Law of Available Partners.
Home, Work & Marriage
"People with silly and useless degrees always get better job positions than scientists. A person with a degree in theology or jewelry, for example, will always get a better paying job than someone with a Ph.D. in particle physics" --- Nonsensus' Law of Better Job Placement.
"Good jobs always require a degree one level higher than what you have. For example, if you have only a high school diploma, you'll need to have a B.S. If you have a B.S. you'll need an M.S. or an M.B.A. If you have a master's degree, you'll need a Ph.D. If you have a Ph.D. you'll need a Nobel Prize or the Fields Metal. If you are a Nobel Laureate or have won the Fields Metal, you'll need to have a degree which certifies that you are God Himself, in which case nobody will believe you, anyway" --- Nash' Law of Perpetual Learning.
"When you are looking for a job, seek first the jobs which you are completely unfamiliar and have no experience with. This maximizes your chances of getting the job, because as a trainee you will surely be underpaid" --- Improbablilitus' Law of Finding Work.
"For composers: WHEN and IF you manage to create a computer PROGRAM which notates and plays music, THEN you may have the liberty to call yourself a 'beginner' composer" --- Stupendius' Law of Musical Expertise.
"'Difficulty' (noun. plural. difficulties): The number of tries it takes, until something is finished or completed PERFECTLY" --- Failius' Definition of Difficulty.
"For trivial tasks, difficulty is equal to at least 2" --- Failius' First Corollary for Difficulty.
"For non-trivial tasks, difficulty is equal to at least 1000" --- Failius' Second Corollary for Difficulty.
"For complex tasks, difficulty tends to infinity" --- Failius' Third Corollary for Difficulty.
"'Expert' (adj. plural 'experts'): Someone for whom the difficulty of a certain task is equal to 2" --- Failius' Fourth Corollary for Difficulty.
"'God' (adj. plural 'gods'): Someone for whom the difficulty of a certain task is equal to 1" --- Failius' Fifth Corollary for Difficulty.
"If you are an expert at a certain work subject, the market will always be saturated for this kind of work" --- Stupendius' Law of Work Expertise.
"When you are finally employed, your employer can ALWAYS find an excuse to underpay you. For example: If you have the experience only, you will be underpaid because you don't have a degree. If you have a degree only you will be underpaid because you lack experience. If you have a Ph.D., you will be underpaid because you are "over-qualified" and there's always someone else with a high school diploma who can do the same work for less. If you only have a high school diploma, you will be underpaid because you are "under-qualified" and there's already a Nobel Laureate or Fields Prize winner who does this kind of work. NEVER MIND how much this person is paid" --- CEO's Law of Futility of Work Compensation.
"Working on a subject you love and making lots of money from your work is a virtual impossibility. Hence," --- Impossibilitus' Law of Working.
"Everyone HATES Mondays" --- Resting's Law of Mondays.
"If you are a man, your job market worth is equal exactly to the beauty of your wife. If you are woman, your worth is equal exactly to the amount of money your husband makes" --- Geneticus' Law of Worth of Mates.
"You cannot find work if you don't have a mate" --- Unfortunatus' First Law of Employment.
"You cannot find a mate if you are not working" --- Unfortunatus' Second Law of Employment.
"The distance between your home and work locations will be directly proportional to how much you desire to be with your mate" --- Cupidus' First Law of Work Modus Operandi.
"The desire other people will have to be with YOUR mate, will be directly proportional to how much YOU desire to be with your mate" --- Cupidus' Second Law of Work Modus Operandi.
"The probability of your mate FORNICATING with someone, is directly proportional to the product of your desire to be with your mate and the distance between your home and work locations" --- Balamuti's First Corollary to Cupidus' Laws.
"The probability of you CATCHING your mate in the act of fornicating with someone, is inversely proportional to the product of your desire to be with your mate and the distance between your home and work locations" --- Balamuti's Second Corollary to Cupidus' Laws.
"The ONLY way to be sure that your mate is not fornicating with someone, is for BOTH of you to ALWAYS be at home. In which case, you won't be able to make a living, unless you are ALREADY rich" --- Balamuti's Third Corollary to Cupidus' Laws.
Web Pages
"Web pages are NEVER perfect" --- Eternius' Fundamental Law of Futility of Web Design.
"The more you work on perfecting your web pages, the less visitors you'll have" --- Frustratius' Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental Meta-Law.
"If you install a statistics tracker on your web pages, the number of your visitors will immediately start to decline" --- Statisticus' First Law of Page Statistics.
"If you announce one of your web pages to usenet, your statistics tracker will stop working" --- Statisticus' Second Law of Page Statistics.
"When, after decades of work, your web pages have been finally perfected, nobody will visit them and nobody will be interested in them, no matter what the content" --- Eternius' Corollary to Eternius' Law of Futility of Web Page Design.
"You can practically count on the fact that ANYONE's web pages will contain some stolen material" --- Kleftroni's Law of Web Page Design.
"No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, you can always count on the existence of another silly web page which has a higher Page Rank than yours" --- Google's Fundamental Law of Page Rank.
"No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, somebody will not like it" --- The Web's First Usefulness Law.
"No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, somebody will disagree with it" --- The Web's Second Usefulness Law.
"No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, somebody will send you an obnoxious email about it, calling you an idiot" --- The Web's Third Usefulness Law.
"The purpose of ANY web page is to either generate income or to be eventually shut down. Therefore," --- Purposi's Law of Ultimate Web Page Purpose.
"If your web page does NOT generate income, now is the best time to shut it down" --- Undesirius' Best Web Page Strategy Corollary to the Purposi's Law of Ultimate Web Page Purpose.
"The intellectual level of the people who visit your web pages will be inversely proportional to the quality of its contents. Hence," --- Kepler's Fundamental Modified Gravity Law of Web Page Attractors.
"If your web page's content is science of the highest level, it will be visited mostly by morons, idiots and people who look for free porno" --- Kepler's First Corollary to the Fundamental Law of Web Page Attractors.
"If your web page's content is bullshit of the highest level, it will be visited mostly by Nobel Prize winners and internationally famous scientists" --- Kepler's Second Corollary to the Fundamental Law of Web Page Attractors.
"If your web page's content is both bullshit and science, it will be visited mostly by spiders and crawlers" --- Kepler's Third Corollary to the Fundamental Law of Web Page Attractors.
Usenet
"No matter what theory you post to sci.physics or sci.physics.relativity, someone will disagree with it" --- Einstone's 'Everyone is Wrong' Law.
"If you present your theory or question to sci.physics or sci.chem and uncle Al DOESN't call you an idiot, your theory may have a chance to be discussed, briefly, before it gets shot down" --- Uncle Al's Lowest Common Denominator Filter Law.
"There are NO legitimate questions for sci.physics, sci.physics.relativity or sci.chem. All theories have been explored, already. And have failed" --- Moracle's Perverse Corollary for Nature.
"No matter WHEN you post to sci.math, there will always be a moron who's trying to show-off and/or look smart" --- Moroni's First Corollary for sci.math.
"If this moron replies to YOUR question or problem, it's best to ignore him. Otherwise, even if you are right, you will look like a fool, because everyone knows that he is baiting you" --- Moroni's Second Corollary for sci.math.
"No matter how fast you post a solution to sci.math, there will always be somebody else who has solved the problem and has posted before you" --- Speedo's Theorem for sci.math.
"When you argue with others in the sci.* hierarchy and claim x, there will always be someone who will always claim NOT x. If you decide to agree with him and claim NOT x, he will CHANGE his claim to x" --- Goedel's Third Law of Persistence of Falsifiability.
"If you THINK you've got a mathematical proof x right and you are ready to post it to sci.math, the MOMENT you post it you will find that NOT x is certainly a possibility. Before you even have a chance to correct your mistake, someone will correct it making you look like a fool. If you post a retraction and say 'I agree to the correction of NOT x', then someone will PROVE that x was correct to begin with, and you will look like a double fool" --- Poincare's Laws of The Perversity of sci.math.
"Other people will always consider somebody ELSE a genius and support this person's theories and solutions in the sci.* hierarchy, but NEVER yours" --- Praktikus' Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
"If you are a professor of mathematics in some big school, someone will call you an idiot for no good reason" --- Professor Bozo's Corollary for sci.math.
"Regardless of your scientific expertise, you will be called many names, among those, idiot, moron, under-developed, loon, schizo, cook, crank and troll" --- Idioti's First Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
"In your own soc.culture.* group, you will be called a clown and a loon" --- Bozo's First Corollary for the soc.culture.* Hierarchy.
"Various people will actually try to PROVE that you are all that, by searching for your background and posting details on Usenet" --- Idioti's Second Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
"People will accuse you of being ANYTHING, as long as you are not a skeptic about EVERYTHING" --- Idioti's Third Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
"If you are a skeptic about everything, they will call you gay, perverted, a faggot, a pederast or a pagan" --- Idioti's Fourth Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
"If you are sensible and argumentative on a sci.* group, someone will call you an idiot" --- Argumenti's Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
"If you are verbally abusive, they will accuse you of being exactly that" --- Verbali's Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
"In short, the best way to participate on usenet, is to not participate AT ALL" --- Vise's Theorem for the sci.* Hierarchy.
Mathematics, Physics, Professors & Students
"The power of attraction you exert on ANY person, object or event, is directly proportional to the SQUARE of your dislike for it" --- Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law.
"You can practically FORCE someone or something to come to you or cause an event manifestation, if you dislike him/her/it SUFFICIENTLY" --- First Teleportation Corollary to Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law.
"You can practically FORCE someone or something to go away or avoid an event manifestation, if you desire him/her/it SUFFICIENTLY" --- Second Teleportation Corollary to Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law.
"There's ALWAYS a mistake, somewhere" --- Caratheodory's First Forgotten Law of Scientific Expertise.
"The chances of you making that mistake in the presence of experts are within epsilon of certainty" --- Caratheodory's Second Forgotten Law of Scientific Expertise.
"Other people have the right to complain about YOUR mistakes, but you don't have the right to complain about THEIRS" --- Caratheodory's Third Forgotten Law of Scientific Expertise.
"If you discover a new theory or mathematical model x, The Universe will go to work TO CREATE a model for NOT x" --- Goedel's First Law of Persistence of Falsifiability.
"If you eliminate all models for not x in advance, The Universe will create a SUB-universe where NOT x will be true BY DEFINITION. So if you think that 1+1=2 for example, you can be SURE that a SUB-universe exists, where 1+1=2 is false" --- Goedel's Second Law of Persistence of Falsifiability.
"A referee will accept your article for publication if and only if he is convinced that your article duplicates some already known result" --- Duplo's Certainty of Duplication Law.
"The number of journals you must submit your paper to before it is accepted, approaches infinity" --- Duplo's Futility of Publication Law.
"WHATEVER results your new paper claims, they have ALREADY been published by somebody else. 100 years ago" --- Ecclesiastes' 'There's Nothing New Under The Sun' Law.
"To be HIRED by a school, you need to prove you have published at LEAST 100 papers. To be given TENURE, you need to prove that you have STOPPED publishing and will NEVER AGAIN publish any new papers" --- Journali's Usefulness of Publications Law.
"The likelihood of a school giving you a teaching position varies proportionally to its distance from your graduation location" --- Galois' Law of Effective Teaching Distance.
"The likelihood of a school giving you a teaching position becomes maximal at Earth's ANTIPODAL point of your graduation location" --- Corollary to Galois' Law of Effective Teaching Distance.
"The most efficient computer algorithm for your CS dissertation problem will be of order O(exp(L)(n)), where f(k)(x) denotes iterated composition of f, L is the character length of your dissertation and n is the size of your data" --- Babbage's Perverse Algorithm Efficiency Law.
"Your FIRST undergraduate computer assignment will be to write a program that replicates. In Pascal" --- Babbage's First Law of Perverse CS Assignments.
"Your SECOND undergraduate computer assignment will be to write a YACC. In ASSEMBLY" --- Babbage's Second Law of Perverse CS Assignments.
"Your THIRD undergraduate computer assignment will be to calculate A(100,100,100), where A is the three-argument Ackermann function" --- Babbage's Third Law of Perverse CS Assignments.
"Your FOURTH undergraduate computer assignment will be to calculate B(B(100)), where B is the Busy-Beaver function" --- Babbage's Fourth Law of Perverse CS Assignments.
"Your FIRST undergraduate mathematics assignment will be to find a complex analytic f, with f(f(f(x)))=exp(x)" --- Archimodus' First Law of Perverse Math Assignments.
"Your SECOND undergraduate mathematics assignment will be to find a complex analytic extension to tetration" --- Archimodus' Second Law of Perverse Math Assignments.
"If you manage to find it, it will be published with your professor's name on it" --- Archimodus' Third Law of Perverse Math Assignments.
"If you are BOTH a CS & mathematics major, your FIRST undergraduate computer assignment will be to implement infinite CARDINAL and ORDINAL arithmetic. In ASSEMBLY" --- Cantor's Law of Perverse Math & CS Assignments.
"The time required for you as a graduate student to understand the difference between a COVARIANT and a CONTRAVARIANT tensor will ALWAYS be at least 1 semester plus 1 day, with time counting from the first day of class" --- Einstein's Universal Law of 'Everyone Flunks Tensor Analysis'.
"The sum of a TA's fluency in English and his fluency on the subject matter equals 1" --- Harvard's 'Most TA's Are Useless' Law.
"A random nxn matrix will be non-invertible" --- Caley's First Law of Perversity of Linear Algebra.
"One of the eigenvalues of the matrix which models the main problem in your dissertation, will ALWAYS be 0. No matter WHAT the accuracy of calculations" --- Caley's Second Law of Perversity of Linear Algebra.
"The SAFEST and QUICKEST way to pass your prelims, is to sell your soul to the Devil" --- Prelimus's 'Most Prelims Fail' Law.
"To ADDITIONALLY pass your thesis defense, you have to sell your soul a SECOND time, which virtually guarantees that you will reincarnate again at least TWICE" --- Doctoroid's 'Most Ph.D.s Flunk' Law.
"On your thesis defense, there will be at least ONE professor who will not understand a THING from what you are saying and will waste the committee's time asking all sorts of irrelevant questions" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' First Law.
"This professor will KEEP asking you irrelevant questions, until either all THE OTHER professors (including your advisor) and you become SUFFICIENTLY CONFUSED or a major thinking flaw is found which will impede the committee's evaluation" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' Second Law.
"Your advisor will have a FIST-FIGHT with one of the referees" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' Third Law.
"After the impediment, you'll be asked to change advisor and re-do your thesis from scratch" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' Fourth Law.
"One of your undergraduate students will prove that important result which you have been researching for 25 years" --- Euler's First Unexpected Genius Law.
"Your undergraduate students will be mini-Ramanujans" --- Euler's Second Unexpected Genius Law.
"Your GRADUATE students will include reincarnations of Euclid, Caratheodory, Gauss, Fermat, Laplace, and Einstein" --- Euler's Generalized Law of Hidden Geniuses.
"The ONLY student who will ask you to be his advisor will be a reincarnation of Archimedes" --- Riemann's Advisor's Modus Operandi Law.
"Your mate will get his/her Ph.D. one year SOONER than you" --- Maria's 'Mates Are Always Smarter' Law.
"You will be assigned to lecture on subjects you know nothing and don't care about" --- Randomus' First Teaching Assignments Law.
"When you lecture on those subjects, at least ONE student will find an important mistake in front of the whole class" --- Corollary to Randomus' First Teaching Assignments Law.
"The number of graduate students interested in taking YOUR specialty graduate course divided by the total number of graduate students in the mathematics department approaches 0 from above" --- Uninteresti's Fundamental Teaching Law.
"The distance to the location of the next conference or seminar you MUST attend, will be directly proportional to your DESIRE to attend" --- Seminarius' First Fundamental Law.
"If you are the leading expert on the subject of that conference, the seminar will take place at the nearest STAR SYSTEM" --- Corollary to Seminarius' First Fundamental Law.
"Important papers will be rejected randomly by the automated electronic submission process" --- Publicious' Efficiency of Automated Manuscript Submission Law.
"The probability of a paper being accepted varies as exp(-x), where x is the referee's expertise on the subject, varying in [0,infinity)" --- Publicious' Probability of Publication Law.
"Your numerical analysis students will be assigned to work on a computer with machine epsilon equal to 1" --- Cray's Fundamental Law of Numerical Analysis.
"Your university's mainframe O.S. can be understood ONLY by CS graduate students" --- Cray's Fundamental Law of Computer Labs.
"The probability of ANY graduate student or professor using a rogue substance (caffeine, nicotine, cannabis, etc) approaches 1" --- Corollary to Rennyi's Law 'A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems'.
"The probabilities of you finding a TOE (Theory of Everything) and you being a crank are exactly equal" --- Uranium's Fundamental Law of Crankiness.
"The Universe will forever remain unexplained by serious scientists" --- Corollary to Uranium's Fundamental Law of Crankiness .
"Your FIRST undergraduate physics assignment will be to understand nuclear fission" --- Curie's First Law of Physics Education.
"Your SECOND undergraduate physics assignment will be to understand nuclear fusion" --- Curie's Second Law of Physics Education.
"Your THIRD undergraduate physics assignment will be to design a nuclear weapon" --- Curie's Third Law of Physics Education.
"Your FOURTH undergraduate physics assignment will be to TEST it. Non-destructively" --- Curie's Fourth Law of Physics Education.
"After you design and test it, you will be arrested and jailed by the U.S. government for possessing a WMD" --- Corollary to Curie's Laws.
"Sub-atomic particle trajectories will ALWAYS be random. No matter what the process" --- Rontgen's Fundamental Law of Particle Physics.
"In most physics and chemistry experiments, energy will be given off as E=m*02" --- Einstein's Unknown Energy-Mass Relation Law.
"Your advisor will ask you to design and build a fusion reactor" --- Fermi's Basic Graduate Student Requirement Law.
"The speed of light in the universe varies from 0 to c, CONTINUOUSLY and UNPREDICTABLY" --- Einstein's Forgotten Relativity Law.
"For your Ph.D. thesis, you will be required to determine the speed of light using a tape measure and a grandfather's clock" --- Michelson's Perverse Measurement Law.
"There will be at least ONE professor who as your advisor will want you to design and test a teleportation machine" --- Goldbloom's First Law.
"When you finally manage to build it, after you test it, you will discover that not a fly, but a COCKROACH has gotten in and travelled in time with you" --- Kafka's Corollary to Goldbloom's Law.
"The only advisor available in the physics department at any time, is the professor who wants to solve Schrodinger's equation analytically for the atoms of ALL elements and adjust the solution to work even for the yet UNDISCOVERED elements" --- Mendeleev's 'Analytical Physics Is Fun' Law.
"Your first undergraduate physics lab assignment will be to measure qualitatively and quantitatively how quickly 1 kg of Hg evaporates in an enclosed environment" --- The Physics Lab 'Student-Weeding-Process' Law.
"As a graduate physics student, you will be asked to visually record the doppler shift in the spectrum of any quasar you choose in the Hydra super-cluster using a pair of binoculars and a small plastic prism" --- Galileo's Requirement Law.
"To be hired as a physics professor, you must have published at least ONE mathematical model of the Big Bang" --- Pauli's First Professor-Weeding Law.
"To be given tenure, you are expected to FIRST complete Einstein's unfinished Unified Field Theory" --- Pauli's Second Professor-Weeding Law.
"Your last published results on particle acceleration will cause a catastrophic failure at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory, as a result of which you will not only be demoted to Lecturer, but you will also be required to pay for damages at Fermi" --- Coulomb's Eventual Failure of Advanced Research.
"The number of times you will be required to change apartments in order to find a respectable job after the acquisition of your Ph.D., will be directly proportional to the product of the number of books you own and their weight" --- Papardus' Perpetual Movement Law.
"To be on schedule teaching at school and working at the local Particle Accelerator as a research scientist, you will need to use a teletransporter" --- LaForge's First Law of Speed of Transportation.
"The teletransporter will malfunction and crash at least once, leaving you stranded in Antarctica, in year 3 billion B.C." --- LaForge's Second Law of Speed of Transportation.
"As a graduate student, your advisor will ask you to determine the mass of a Higgs boson using a laboratory balance, by performing AT MOST 10 measurements" --- Graviton's Accuracy of Scientific Measurements Law.
"If you are a teenager, you can almost certainly maximize your chances in meeting some of these challenges, if you study in a Greek University. The professors there might oblige you with the hardest exams possible, and it is suggested that you are, always, as READY as possible. The faster, the BETTER" --- Impossibilitus' Graviton's Accuracy of Scientific Excellence Law.
Religion
"If you believe that God exists, God will hide for the duration of your life" --- Abrahami's First Fundamental Law for the Existence of God.
"If you believe that God DOESN'T exist, God will reincarnate as your father" --- Abrahami's Second Fundamental Law for the Existence of God.
"There is no proof that God exists or doesn't exist. BUT," --- Baloney's Law for proof of the Existence of God.
"There IS proof that the DEVIL exists and he has NASTY plans for you" --- Baloney's Law for proof of the Existence of the Devil.
"Either God doesn't exist or he is malevolent: Proof: If God doesn't exist, we are done. If he exists, he is hiding. If he is hiding, he must be malevolent and evil, for otherwise there would be no reason for him to hide. Therefore, if God exists, he is Absolute Evil" --- Joe-anus' Fundamental Law for the Existence of Evil.
"Saying that you believe in God is declaring publicly that you know your limits" --- Protectorius' First Law of Protection.
"Saying that you DON'T believe in God is declaring publicly that you are an idiot" --- Protectorius' Second Law of UNprotection.
"God, is THAT, which is STRONGER than you, in one or more ways. Consequently," --- Concealatus' 'One Name of God' Law.
"The question is not whether God exists or not. The answer to that is obvious. The question is whether he has a sense of HUMOR or not" --- Mysterious' Ultimate Question of Life.
"IF God exists, he MAY be THAT, which has the power to make your worst nightmares on a PERSONAL LEVEL come true, IF he wants to. FOR EVER. So be VERY careful about WHAT you say about him. On the other hand," --- Satanicus' First Law of Absolute Evil.
"IF God DOESN'T exist, WHO if anyone and if ever, will save us from The Ancient Gods of Darkness and ×Üïò?" --- Satanicus' Second Law of Absolute Evil.
"Blessed are those who expect the worst, for they shall not be disappointed" --- Jesus' Sermon of the Mount First Forgotten Law.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they cannot fully fathom the predicament they have gotten themselves into" --- Jesus' Sermon of the Mount Second Forgotten Law.
"If you do good, expect EVIL to come back to you three-fold. If you do evil, expect evil to come back to you ONE-HUNDRED-FOLD. However NOTE," --- Jesus' Sermon of the Mount Third Forgotten Law.
"Doing evil, worsens the state of BOTH you and the one you do evil on. Doing good, betters the state of at LEAST the one you do good on. Therefore," --- Jesus' Sermon of the Mount Fourth Forgotten Law.
"You have your own personal nightmares to avoid and people are already in pain, so why make things worse for them? Things are hard enough for you, ALREADY" --- Kolastirion's Corollary of Correct Application of Religion.
"Jesus was right when he said: 'Love thy neighbor'. Cause it's the hardest thing to do, particularly when you realize that EVERYONE HATES you" --- Explanation of the Jesus Law.
"When good comes your way, rejoice. When EVIL comes your way, welcome it and accept it, because if you don't, it might harm you much WORSE than how much you initially thought it would" --- Timorius' Law of Correct Application of Divine Retribution.
"When you wish well for or praise someone, your wish is granted unconditionally" --- Patatrak's First Law of 'Love Thy Neighbor' Law.
"When you wish ill for or curse someone, your curse falls on yourself multiplied by a factor of 100" --- Patatrak's Second Law of 'Love Thy Neighbor' Law.
"Don't worry about the world ending in 2012. Or ANYTIME for that matter, because The Universe likes to keep and TORTURE humanity FOR EVER" --- Massimus' Law of Infinite Material Inertia.
"Generally speaking, nobody CARES about ANYONE" --- Supremus' Law of Infinite Love Inertia.
"The ideal objective of any intelligent human should NOT be to secure survival on Earth, rather to GET THE FUCK OUT and AWAY from this planet, as soon as possible. Preferably as far AWAY from this planet as possible and for AS LONG as possible" --- The Secret Teachings of Buddha Charismi Law.
Reincarnation & Karma
"If you could realize the full extent of your fuck-up responsible for you being born on this planet, you'd immediately commit suicide. In which case, you'd AGAIN be kicked down here, for that very reason" --- Buddha's First Fundamental Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you cannot stand The Truth, you'll have descendants. If you CAN stand The Truth, you'll be made immortal. In either case, your torment will be UNENDING. In the latter case from knowing EVERYTHING, in the former from NEVER knowing ANYTHING" --- Buddha's Second Fundamental Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
Philosophy & Metaphysics
"For every true fact x, at least one person doesn't know anything about it and doesn't WANT to know anything about it" --- Occult's First Law of Forbidden Knowledge.
"For every false fact y, at least one person knows something about it and is willing to teach you for a fee" --- Occult's Second Law of Forbidden Knowledge.
"Don't be afraid of death. It can't POSSIBLY be worse than the rest of your life" --- Priest's First Law About The Afterlife.
"On the other hand, BE afraid of death. Murphy's Law says it WILL be worse than the rest of your life" --- Priest's Second Law About The Afterlife.
Miscellaneous
"If it's green or it moves, it's biology" --- Murphy's First Fundamental Law of the Major Sciences.
"If it DOESN'T work, it's physics" --- Murphy's Second Fundamental Law of the Major Sciences.
"If it STINKS, it's chemistry" --- Murphy's Third Fundamental Law of the Major Sciences.
"If it DOESN'T make sense, it's economics" --- Murphy's Fourth Fundamental Law of the Great Sciences.
"If you DON'T understand, it's math" --- Murphy's Fifth Fundamental Law of the Great Sciences.
"If anything starts right, it will end up badly" --- Destructus' First Law of Negative Entropy.
"If anything starts badly, it will end up worse" --- Destructus' Second Law of Negative Entropy.
"If anything DOESN'T start at all, it will end up badly, anyway" --- Destructus' Third Law of Negative Entropy.
"Reality: Your imagination's worst nightmare" --- Stupendous' Law of What Is Real.
"It is IMPOSSIBLE for something good to happen, without something BAD happening at the same time. However," --- Badluckious' First Law of Random Happenings.
"It is VERY possible for MANY bad things to happen, WITHOUT a good thing happening simultaneously" --- Badluckious' Second Law of Random Happenings.
"No matter what your plans are and what you achieve in life, there's always going to be something that will happen which will destroy or set back those plans. For example, if you find a mate, you will separate. If you find a job, you will be fired. If you win the LOTTO, you will lose all the money, etc" --- Badluckious' Third Law of Random Happenings.
"A mistake can be made in a couple of seconds. CORRECTING a mistake takes several life-times" --- Punishmus' First Law of Mistakes.
"The consequence of making a mistake is DEATH. No matter WHAT the mistake. Consequently," --- Punishmus' Second Law of Mistakes.
"It's MUCH better to shut the FUCK UP, than say something wrong" --- Punishmus' Third Law of Mistakes. Consequently,
"The efficiency of transportation is optimal, only when you DON'T use it" --- Planare's Law of Efficiency of Transportation.
"Common sense says that you cannot please all the people, all the time. Murphy's Law says that you cannot please ANYONE, ANY time" --- Commonsensus' Law of Efficiency of Creative Work.
"SUCCESS: An ever decreasing sequence of FAILURES, with limit ZERO" --- Pamfilius' Definition of SUCCESS in this world.
"There is a solution to every problem, but there is an INFINITY of problems, so stop wasting time and start working NOW" --- Problemus' Law of World's Problems.
"Assume everything. Expect NOTHING, or, alternatively," --- Voidus' Law of Safe Assumptions.
"Assume nothing. Expect EVERYTHING" --- Unavoidus' Law of Un-Safe Assumptions.
"MIRACLE: The strange and unlikely phenomenon when The Universe agrees with you and momentarily and temporarily suspends Murphy's Law" --- Corollary of Miraculas' Fundamental meta-Law of Human Experience or 'The Saintly/Godly intervention' Corollary.
"Those who can, do the work. Those who CAN'T, fuck around and have kids" --- Apologius' Law of Human Failures.
"Always strive for what you want and desire, despite knowing that you can never get it. It's the best excuse you have against The Universe for not terminating you prematurely. Alternatively, you can see it as a pleasant way to spend eternity" --- Failius' Law of Recurrent and Perpetual Effort.
